This blog is a little long, but is a clear glimpse into my heart right now and what this first week of CGA has been for me.
Week 1 of CGA has come and gone. I moved into a house of strangers, spent 5 days at a mansion on Lake Lanier called The Ark, and saw so much of God my heart is still trying to process it all. If I had to summarize this past week I would say it was about realization and repentance.
Ana, one of the leaders of CGA spoke Tuesday night about what God has been speaking to her on fasting lately and she took us to John 15 and spoke on Abiding. She led us into prayer and surrender as we walked into a day of fasting and dependence on the Lord.
So on Wednesday we fasted. I have never fasted before. I tried to do the Daniel Fast once, but found myself bitter and annoyed so I quit. I went into this fast of breakfast and dinner with anticipation of what God would do. I knew He was calling me into reckless dependency on Him. I woke that morning a little fearful, but eager for what the day would bring.
Instead of spending 30 minutes eating breakfast, I spent extra time with the Lord. Instead of wondering what would be for lunch, I prayed and dug into the Word. The Lord revealed some truth to me in my time with Him that day about my heart and some things in me that I needed to repent of in order for true dependence on Him in all things including my own identity.
I started my quiet time the morning of our fast with this prayer, ‘Lord I know I lack disciple and self control, but Lord those things are not apart of your Spirit. 2 Timothy 1:7 says ‘ for God gave us a Spirit not of fear, but of power, love, and self control. The gift you fully gave me God is the only way I’ll make it through today! I love you Lord and I am dependent on your Spirit and voice today.’
We spent the next few hours in a session/lesson about our Redemptive Gifts. I learned a lot about myself and how I am best described (exhorter). My eyes were opened to some things about my personality and spirit that have honestly caused a lack of discipline and pride in my heart. During the next few hours of time with Jesus I found myself on my knees in repentance. Jesus took me through such a sweet (hard) realization that I have spent most of my life and my spiritual life with Him trying to achieve and trying to do the work/transformation myself. He sweetly took my through a process this past week of realizing this about myself, repenting of it, and moving forward knowing that it is Christ and Christ alone. Not me!
Jesus walked me back through John 15 and I feel lead to share what I wrote down in my journal. So vulnerability coming your way…
‘Jesus is the vine and I am the branch, an extension of Him. In John 15:2 Jesus is revealing the things that ‘need work and need pruning.’ He made me clean because I believed in Him, now I abide in Him. He is in me, choose Him! I can’t bear fruit without Him, I need the vine that is rooted in the source (the Father) for water and nourishment. Verse 4 says, ‘unless you abide in me,’ I can’t do it without Jesus. It isn’t my responsibility to fix myself. He is the vine…not me! I can’t produce good things on my own. Like a branch disconnected from the vine so will I be if I don’t acknowledge that I am nothing without the source, the vine. I can do nothing apart from Him. My nature is to be a doer so it is hard for me to understand that. My flesh wants to do and accomplish and my pride wants the glory. But Jesus made me to be a doer (exhorter) and to accomplish things. I just have to do them from the right heart state…for Him. He is not well please simply because I can accomplish many things, but that I allow Him to direct the things I do and that I do them in and for His name. It is You, not I Lord! Lord, I know who You tell me who I am, but I don’t ‘know’ it in my heart. I need you to penetrate my heart with that truth so that I can stop trying to grasp at straws of understanding, and know Your truth at my core and learn to operate from that place. Help me to trust that you can do the work God, if only I come to you. Am I ok with who I am? Do I trust that God made me perfectly and uniquely? ‘
The end of John 15 is crazy to me. Jesus tells us to abide in Him-allow Him to be our source – of identity, purpose, life – and through this we can experience God’s love. Abiding in Him causes joy…it produces it.
‘Forgive me Lord for feeling like I need to be doing in order for you to love me. Forgive me for feeling like being with you isn’t enough to transform me. Forgive me for putting myself in Your place as the healer and the one who transforms hearts. It is You Lord not I. It is simply being with You that my soul longs for.’
So as you can see this past week was deep! Jesus took my to deep places in my spirit about who I am and how to operate out of that place. I left my time with Him this day with this sweet truth, ‘ I am who I am because God made me that way. Abide in Christ to know how to use who I am to grow the kingdom and to show more of Christ to the world. I don’t have to live up to any standard, I don’t have to let my failures consume me or define me, I can simply rest in knowing that I am a child of God and He loves me for who I am because when He looks on me…He sees His son! He calls me holy and blameless, He calls me beloved, He calls me child. My identity isn’t about me at all, but about Him! ’
Needless to say Jesus took me to utter dependence on Him during this 2 meal fast. I realized that I am nothing, can do nothing, want nothing that is apart from God. He showed me that it isn’t about me, but about Him; that my life is not my own. That the pitfalls I have and have walked through do not define me, but He is all that matters. Full dependance on God was a realization that I can’t depend on myself to get the job done, but that it is Him and Him alone that brings healing, identity, and acceptance.
I found that the emptier my belly got the fuller my spirit felt. The farther into the day I went, the deeper into His presence I found myself. This first week at CGA has been so amazing! Jesus is laying a foundation of truth in my spirit. He is walking me along a path of intimacy with Him. I can’t wait to dance with Him in the fields of flowers that line that path in this season.
