Being Grateful for my Mess
This first portion of CGA has been about knowing yourself. We have had many days where we have turned our view from outward to inward and explored our motivations, values and beliefs. We have uncovered hurts, broken pieces, and what truly drives us.
I have learned that according to the Enneagram I am a 7 (Enthusiast) with a ever present/high 2 (Helper). Basically what this means is that I see the world with optimistic eyes, I am always looking ahead and love to find joy and celebrate everything while also seeking love and validation from others. What it also means is that since I look and live so much for what is next I very rarely look to the past.
Over the last few weeks God has been revealing some broken parts within me. Whether they are from ways I’ve been hurt by someone, stigmas society has put on me, or things that have been out of my control. I have realized that up to this point in my life I have never really processed or healed from very much. I have always suppressed the feeling of pain or hurt and brushed them off like they haven’t touched or affected me. Somewhere along the way I picked up the idea that in order for someone to care for or like me I have to do or be a certain thing/way. I have equated a part of my self worth with doing. In a way I have ignored my own feelings/emotions for the sake of looking a certain way to others or being whatever the ones around me needed me to be. Let me say, it’s exhausting.
What I have realized in the last few weeks is that who I am and what I do are not the same. I am who God and God alone says I am! I can’t do anything to change that. It is in my DNA, and it is His words of truth for me. God has been walking me through self discovery and self awareness which honestly has come with a lot of feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I’ve ignored about myself or what I’ve been through in my life. I’ve basically coasted and numbed my way through the first 25 years of my life. This season has been about God revealing those things to me and asking me to muddle through them so that He can bring healing and I can actually move on from them. Nine times out of ten I will say that ‘I have moved on’, but really what I mean is that ‘I’ve just pushed it so far down that I can’t feel it anymore so I’m fine.’ God is asking me to do what is totally scary and terrifying for me, to go back into the pain. At first I felt very scared and overwhelmed by it all, because honestly a lot surfaced all at once, but with the guidance and knowledge I’m learning here at CGA I have been able to look and see what’s on top and shelf everything else (not completely ignore it) until God tells me to pick it back up. I’ve come to the understanding that it’s ok to be broken, because brokenness means I’m actually living and not coasting and numbing my way through life. God calling me back into the hurt isn’t meant to be harmful or hurtful to me, it comes from a place of His truest love for me and Him wanting me to reflect here on this earth who I truly am and who He sees when He looks at me. Essentially He is asking me to chose in!
I know it may sound weird to say the words grateful or thankful in the midst of all this mess, but I actually really feel under all the confusion and sense of being overwhelmed, grateful for my pain in this season. It is allowing me to tap into a part of myself that I haven’t allowed to be there for a very long time. It is allowing me to see such a loving and compassionate side of God that I didn’t notice before. It is ushering me into a choice that I have to make of, ‘how important is it to me that I am actually living and not just coasting? Do I value that more than the 10 seconds of fear that rises up when I am faced with going back into my past hurts?’
So if you want to know in a nutshell what CGA has been about the past few weeks, it been about self-discovery, choosing in to the hard things, and becoming more of who God created me to be before the foundation of the world. It is messy and it is ok all at the same time. I really feel like I’m falling into who is truly Morgan!
CGA has been so amazing, but it is far from over. We are starting to move into the ‘lead yourself’ phase of the program. With nearly 3 full months left I still have some fundraising to do. At the end of June my class is going to be leading several short term mission trips with Adventures in Mission, however in order to be able to go and put all I’m learning into practice I need to be fully funded by June 1st. That means nearly $1200 in less than a month. I believe God can make this happen. Will you prayerfully consider joining my support team so I can continue on this incredible journey God has me on?
Here are some ways to get involved:
- Pray about joining my team in some way (daily prayer warrior, monetarily, etc.)
- Purchase an awesome T-shirt, tank, or sweatshirt at this link: https://www.bonfire.com/you-arefundraising-t-shirts/
- If you live in the Spartanburg area – coming out to my car wash on May 26th from 8am – 11am. (location TBD)
- Give a gift of any amount either one time or monthly.
- It truly means a lot to me to know that you, a fellow lover of Jesus are praying and thinking about me. So little words of encouragement or something like that go a really long way with me! I also love to do this for others, so please share with me any prayer request!
